Blasphemy Parade


Browsing Posts in Dear Jesus

Dear Jesus,



My boyfriend only wants to stick it in my ass. I\’m fine with it, but a little more would be better every now and then. What should I do?

REPLY:
Well, if your boyfriend is like most of the readers on this site, just leave a trail of Comic Books or Pocky that leads to your asshole. -Jesus

Dear Jesus,

My g/f argues about everything with me and frankly I hate it but I put up with it because I love her. I was wondering if maybe you could change her senses like when I\’m having fun. She always senses me having fun and then calls and bitches about some stupid shit. What do you suggest?

REPLY:
Well My Son, Take about a foot to a foot-and-a-half off of the chain that keeps her in the kithcen. That way, she will not be able to reach the phone. -Jesus

Dear Jesus,

When you’re dad fucked up New Orleans couldn\’t he have fucked up Detroit instead?

REPLY:
Well my son, Detroit isn’t in my Dad’s control actually. Thats Satan’s territory. He was granted it in exchange for staying out of the great Cola Wars. – Jesus

Dear Jesus, Can I see you penis?

REPLY:
Not unless I can see you Identification.

Hey whats up Jesus? Is your name pronounced jee zuz, or hey zoos? Just wondering because I\’ve heard it both ways.

REPLY:
Actually, I am glad you asked my Son. No one has ever pronounced my name correctly. You see, the emphasis is suposed to be on the second sylable. It’s pronounced Jes-US, with the end going up in tone as if in question. Thank you, and spread the word. -JesUS!?!

Dear Jesus,
I’d much rather rot in hell with the athiests that I love than be forced to eternally interact in heaven with the hypocrites sending you guys hatemail…

Not that hell exists of course.

-Peace


REPLY:
No my Son! Never forget that Hell is a VERY REAL place… It’s called Wyoming. Even speaking the name of the unholiest of unholies gives me the chills. – Jesus

A.J.

No comments

You web site is great. Luckily for me, I live in Quebec now. Those french canadians really dumped their religion. They sell their churches as condos and if a politician dares mentioning he believes in a God or even a simple “God bless you” they become the joke in the news for a whole week and has no chance to win. I’m definitely staying here!

REPLY:
Yeah, whatever. It still doesn’t make up for Celine Dion. -J

Hey Jesus I reckon even Jason Gillespie could put one up your blockhole you cricket-illiterate bastard. Its about time you got down to my members end and faced a few balls.
You couldnt even crack one through the covers.

REPLY:
I don’t know much about Cricket, other than it’s baseball with silly rules like “set the stump on fire when your Seeker catches the Quaffel”. As for “cracking one through the covers,” usually when I crack one in bed it stays under the covers, forming what Americans call a “Dutch Oven”.

Dear Jesus
Did you piss in Joseph Smith’s hat?


REPLY:
Who have you been talking to?

Hey Jesus will you smite all the dumb fucks who won’t stop saying “Git r done”? They’re all related anyways, so it’s not like the random smiting cops pin on black people.

REPLY:
I’ve never heard anyone say that. Must be a regional thing. -J